


the great big horrible thing

by zhuzhubi



Series: the fall and the climb [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, I mean its Reid so, Intrusive Thoughts, Like Heavy Angst, Past Drug Addiction, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prison, Spoilers, Whump, but like canon whump, lots of drug imagery tho tbh, through season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25116364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhuzhubi/pseuds/zhuzhubi
Summary: You went to Mexico to help your Mom, and it got you locked in a cage with men who have murder on their minds. You’ve never doubted that life isn’t fair, but what could you possibly have done to deserve this?(And then one day, it doesn’t feel so undeserved anymore.)
Series: the fall and the climb [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1819264
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	the great big horrible thing

**Author's Note:**

> on tumblr at zhuzhubii, if you prefer

You’re in a holding cell in Mexico, you think, and your head is spinning. There are unfamiliar faces barking orders in Spanish, and then familiar ones bombarding you with questions - trying desperately to get you free, to take you home, to prove you didn’t do this.

There is a cut on your hand and a dead doctor, a cognitive that isn’t helpful and teammates grasping at straws. 

You see flashes of doubt in their eyes, so brief you almost miss them. You don’t blame them for it - despite your insistence that you  _ didn’t do this I didn’t do this _ you doubt yourself too. There is the nagging fear of losing your mind and the familiar itch in your veins as the high fades - 

_ I didn’t do this I didn’t I didn’t _

_ But what if you did? says the itch, what if you did and the cognitive dissonance is causing partial dissociative amnesia _

\- They cuff you like one of the monsters -  _ only men, not monsters  _ \- you chase and take you back to Virginia on the plane. Leave you in a holding cell until you can be arraigned and later stand trial and  _ oh god what if I go away for this I’m innocent I’m innocent am I innocent? _

You know they have no choice, but it still feels like a betrayal. Irrationally, you want them to tell the guards to go to hell and bust you out. Find you a new identity so you can run away, Garcia could do it you know she could do it -

_ Coward, you’re a coward. All you do is run and run and run, you’re here because you can’t accept losing your mom. You’re pitiful. Was it even because you love her, or because you can’t bear to watch any more of her insanity knowing it might one day happen to you. You selfish, selfish boy _

\- That won’t happen, you know. They’ll clear your name, you hope.

Sitting here alone is this cage is possibly the worst thing for someone like you, someone who can never  _ turn your damn thoughts off  _ -

_ Stupid, you’re so stupid. What did you think would happen? That it’d be some miracle cure and you’d live happily ever after? Things like never happen to you stupid stupid stupid  _

\- And the itch is _so strong_ \- second only to all those years ago when it was amplified by the physical dependence - if you had something you’d take it. You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself, not now that you’ve had a taste again. You pinch your arms and pretend it’s from the bite of the needle, imagine the euphoria as well as you can without that blessing - _curse,_ _you remind yourself_ \- of a chemical coursing through your bloodstream, hoping you can trick your brain into believing you’ve taken a hit. Fantasize about a phone number burned into your brain like everything -

_ Except for those moments in that motel room. What happened to Rosa? What happened what happened what  _

\- always is. It’s probably out of service by now - it’s been years and what dealer hasn’t either been caught or changed their number by then? - but you know where you could go to find another.

Of course it doesn’t work. If anything, imagining a hit only makes the craving stronger, your body more ready for the real thing. All this longing occupies the time at least. 

Time is something you wish for with your mother. But all that wishing is what landed you in this cage. It bit you in the ass. Now you have time, but not with her, and far  _ far  _ too much of it. 

…

Emily finds you a lawyer -  _ Fiona _ \- who talks you through the plea deal they’ve offered. Then the next one, not nearly as good, after they find the knife - 

_ I had a  _ knife wound _ on my hand of course it had my prints on it that doesn’t mean I killed her I didn’t kill her I wouldn’t do that  _

\- five to ten -

_ I’ll be a convicted felon. _

_ It’s not about what happened; it’s about what they can prove. _

\- You don’t know what to do. Like all the problems in your life, you decide it can wait a little bit. It’s still a few days until the arraignment,  _ your arraignment _ . There will be plenty of time to think. But not now, not yet  _ not yet not yet. _

Fiona talks you through the hearing -  _ eyes forward, keep calm, spine straight _ . Rossi’s already offered to post bail - you knew he would - but you don’t think it will matter. You were caught crossing the border without alerting the bureau like you should have. You have people who could help you disappear, and considering Garcia’s history as the  _ Black Queen _ the authorities never learned to trust her fully. 

Your team still has hope, though you can tell Emily’s is wavering, so you won’t tell them. Let them have a few days of believing everything will be fine before it all goes to hell. 

…

At the arraignment you surprise yourself by pleading  _ Not Guilty _ -

_ Hey, stupid, I thought you’d lost hope. Now you’re just stringing your friends along until the trial when you know you’re gonna go away for this and it’s 25-to-life this way. Too proud to admit to something you didn’t do so you can get off with a lighter sentence _

\- maybe you aren’t as resigned as you thought you were. The judge denies you bail, though, like you suspected she would. You’re so scared as they recuff you and lead you away. Garcia looks so upset - all of them do. You want to go to them, comfort them, but you can’t. Instead you are chained up like an animal and dragged along, made to strip and change into an orange jumpsuit that marks you as what you are.

Sub-human. A prisoner.

…

Being a prisoner is every bit as humiliating as you knew it would be. You’re stripped again and a guard shines a light down your throat and shoves a gloved hand up your ass to check for contraband. You’re sprayed with insecticides to kill the lice you don’t have. 

The terror you feel in Gen Pop is second only to your time with Hankel; 25 again, locked in a shed and left to die. No one is coming for me, why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? What -

_ What? This isn’t right, I’m supposed to be in Protective Custody - shut up, boy, you’re a sinner. Do what you’re told _

\- You get beat up. Even though you are bigger now, it’s worse than it ever was back in high school because these men are bigger still and twice as cruel and have nothing else to occupy their time. 

You make a friend, and he gets killed to send you a message -  _ submit _ . He dies in your arms and -

_ Why is nobody helping, this man is dying he’s dying! He’s a felon. He’s Latino. No one cares. He brought it upon himself, just like you did boy  _

\- there is blood all over the laundry room floor. You have no choice but to move their drugs for them because JJ showed you that picture Henry drew and you can’t die without ever seeing him again you just can’t, even if it’s when he’s grown and barely remembers you anymore.

You taint the drugs in part for revenge, and in part so you won’t be tempted. Heroin is too close to that  _ sweet sweet hydromorphone _ for you to trust yourself. 

In the end, you regret it. Seeing those men, horrible as they may be, coughing up blood because of something you did - 

_ Oh so you do have it in you to hurt people. Are you so sure you didn’t kill Rosa? Are you so sure you don’t belong here, you criminal? Even if you didn’t before, you do now you monster you monster  _

\- You refuse visitors. You can’t face them, knowing what you’ve done, knowing that  _ maybe possibly  _ you deserve to be here.

Your mother comes -  _ how did she get here _ \- and you speak with her about love -

_ I love you so much, Mom, I’m sorry I’m so sorry  _

\- then the nurse comes to take her home -  _ where’s Cassie? _

Time to go, Diana -

_ Time to go, Spencer. Time to go time to go time to go _

\- what? You’re confused, at first, before you realize it’s a memory. And by then she’s already leading your mother away  _ oh god oh my god it's Lindsey Vaughn! Lindsey’s gonna hurt my Mom! _ and slamming your hands against the glass in a panic doesn’t help, doesn’t bring you any closer to your mother. 

What it does do is get you restrained until you have no choice but to calm down for fear that they will  _ beat you or taze you or - god forbid - draw their weapons _ . All you can do is request a meeting with your lawyer and hope it goes through quickly, that she comes quickly, and that she brings Emily with her. Milburn schedules it for  _ days _ later and it’s so much lost time  _ oh god oh god _ , but there is nothing you can do. You feel like the helpless parents you see - _ used to see _ \- at work, desperate for their child back and unable to do anything except _ wait  _ for law enforcement to crack the case and  _ pray  _ their baby comes back home. Except they don’t even know your mom is in danger, and they don’t know it’s not Scratch, and you can’t get the message to them until the meeting. 

You rediscover the hell you’ve become so familiar with over these long few months - all you can do is wait.

…

When they don’t believe you - imply that you don’t know what you saw -  _ god _ ,  _ do you really think I would tell you if I wasn’t sure?  _ \- you feel aggressive  _ physically _ in a way you’ve never been before. When you slam your hands on the table and demand they listen to you it’s because your brain doesn’t work smoothly anymore, when the aggression was passive and only leaked out in scathing words, and you can’t  _ think _ well enough to channel the anger and frustration into sentences. It would scare you if you weren’t up to your ears in fear already - for your mother and yourself alike.

Shaw lets out that you’re a fed and you know they will kill you if you don’t do something. You feel like a dog backed into a corner, nowhere to run or hide. You fashion a shiv and stab yourself with it - twice, in the leg and the arm - instead of Shaw like you almost wish you could have, and they take you to solitary  _ for your own protection  _ and though your thoughts still plague you, it is something of a reprieve. 

You need to be a  _ good man _ , now, since you’re about to get out - 

_ Are you though? You know it was Lindsey but what if your team can’t prove it what if Shaw gets you first what if she gets away with this what if Mom dies _

\- and when they manhandle you out of that box you think it might be to your death. But then there is JJ and those magical words -  _ we’re taking you home _ \- and the relief is sweeter than any hit you ever took. Stripping, this time, is welcome. The prison denim tossed aside and your suit donned once again.

There is, of course, the massive adrenaline rush and the intense fear for your mother. In the midst of that, though, there is a second where redressing feels like putting your skin back on and becoming a person again, rather than a prisoner.  _ Dr. Reid, _ you remind yourself,  _ I am Dr. Reid. I am “Inmate” no longer.  _


End file.
